Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I was bored.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.