Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
You Might Also Like
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
they split up moments later
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one