Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
