Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
