deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
You Might Also Like
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
This chloroform smells expensiv…
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.