deleting my mental health to focus on social media
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coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*