Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

This is enough internet for the day.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.