Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

I hope they boil the right one.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Finally! 😈

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*