Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
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The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Sunday
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Ooops wrong house😂😜
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.