Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
You Might Also Like
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.