Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.

[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

Loan Officer: Denied

Me: maybe this will change your mind

*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*

Me: *catching my breath* well??

Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.