Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

Childbirth is so beautiful

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet