Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
$4 #usedbooks
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