Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?