Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Well, shit
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.