Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
You Might Also Like
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
A classic…
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Dumple
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.