Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
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Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what