Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Grandmother clock.

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience

2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

ㅤ

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

Wasps: bees, but not helping

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo