Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

i wish i could marry a nap

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

Awwwww shit.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.