Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

[flirting between USA and Canada]

Canadian: you’re my favourite.

American: no u.

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

employee: how does it look?

vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it