Delightful if true: booby trap.
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him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.