Delightful if true: booby trap.
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If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
