Delightful if true: booby trap.
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
When they try to steal your moment.
an airline just for babies.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.