Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
the three branches of government
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
What the hell happened here.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.