Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭