Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u