Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

[commercial for evaporated milk]

IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

My husband asked if anyone had to use the bathroom as we approached a rest stop on the interstate. When everyone said no, he responded, “Speak now or forever hold your pee” and made some dad out there proud.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces