Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.

Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*