Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
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[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.