Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

Cats are about as useful as a football bat.

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday