Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

For all the people who doubted me:
You were right

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

[starbucks]

me: can i take some wifi home with me?

barista: um. sure(?)

me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

[eats all your cotton candy]

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

At Walmart during the holidays like..

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

When you don’t understand how floors work

Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔

work smarter, not harder

girls literally only want one thing..