Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed