Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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People who have wheels on their office chair, how do you get any work done?
Can you guys give me the names of some famous athletes and prisoners? I’m making a pros and cons list.
I missed you with all my darts
friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”
HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
What an adorable idea. My coworkers have been writing names on food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.
Her: So how did you get this scar?
*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu
Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu