Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.