Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
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The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
called in thicc to work this morning
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.