Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
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[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The biggest mystery of our time
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest