Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying things like, “That’s a pretty building.”

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”

Inspirational Quote Of The Day..

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.

-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

no refunds