Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.