Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

me: having a blended family is challenging

person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?

me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer