Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

OKAY DAD

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

Others: I run so I can eat pizza

Me: I just…eat pizza

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?