Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”

Holy shit, I married my father

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?

Me: Of course ba…wait, what?

*Her jaw unhinges*

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.