Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
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Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Happy Friday
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
This is me
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.