Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
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I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice