Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
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It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Pringles
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*