Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.

reduce, reuse, recycle

I feel attacked.

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.