Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

Be the reason someone burns sage.

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening