7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Not my job 😂
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.