Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this