Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics

2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder

My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”