Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Daughter: [giving me attitude]

Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.

Daughter: Dad I’m 24.

we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

#oldknees

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

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My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.

Me: Aw.

5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

Good morning.

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

Finally!

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”