Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.