Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

[loses house key, starts a new life]

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?

Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: What do we have here?

ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?

Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

the official breakfast of 2021

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it