Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I came this close!!!!
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.