Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
*cough*
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
“i am a sweet baby”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what