Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
awkward
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too