demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
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me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.