demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
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Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.