demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?