Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Jack: hello, beans

Beans: hello, Jack

-Jack and the beans talk

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

We are the people our parents warned us about.