Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
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[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.