*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
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What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
my fav colour is also hitler
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
