Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.

[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.