Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

when nothing goes right… go left

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

*gets bitten by a radioactive bear

*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear

[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]

COACH: you idiots *melts*

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*