DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.