Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.

Me: That’s pretty impressive.

6: Let me know if you need my help.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.