Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top

*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”

Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet

My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Cucumbers Anonymous

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.

So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”

I replied “sorry I’m married.”

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!