Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

The opposite of goth is stopth.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.