demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
You Might Also Like
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change