Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

I think about this cartoon a lot.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.

My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

*sewing*

A thread

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.