Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?

Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart

ㅤ

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

marvel comics have peaked

If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days

Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*

Me: FINALLY! A break from that —

Brain: I’ll take it from here.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific