Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Where’s my employee discount too?

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold