Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
