Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

Very problematic

Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

doctor: how often do you exercise

me: does sex count

doctor: yes

me: twice a day

doctor: with other living ppl?

me: why would you specify living

doctor: just answer

me: no I don’t exercise

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.