Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

first you must answer his riddles

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?