Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition