demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.