Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?

Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

“Paper or pl..”

..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…

“I’m not saying ‘me'”

ME! OMG we did it again!

“…”

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Never mess with a drunken pig.

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot