Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
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😩😩😩
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Netflix: We have Less
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me