[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
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Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
every man in east london
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
long lost
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?