Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.

I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Happy Halloween 🎃

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.