Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…

Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*

Me: …Mr. Bean

MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?