Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
