Denise please return my vape pen
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Hitlers gonna hitl
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.