Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
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People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams