Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!