Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
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Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
john wicks are toilet candles
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
God making man in his image was the original selfie